CURRENT CRUSH @9:27AM ON A MONDAY

So, last night everyone was blowing up Facebook and news feeds across America because of the Oscars.  I did not do such a thing, because I did not watch them.  

Do I regret it?  

Not really.

I do, however, miss seeing Daniel Day Lewis.  

Not the current DDL Edition, but the Mohican Edition.

Daniel Day Lewis does American Indian.

um. hello.  thank you very much.

I WILL FIND YOU.

Daniel Day Mohican

TOO SOON? a short up-to-date

I know I haven't written in about a week, but so much has been going on in my personal and professional life.  In the realm of personal, I kind of let some things get away from me and found myself breaking up with someone I wasn't even dating.  We were old friends that sort of sometimes liked to kiss each other, but I didn't really see how far the other party was diving emotionally into this, what i thought, casual thing.  

that guy will not be the guy of which i speak of.

Three weeks ago I met someone at that dating auction previously mentioned in the blog and I didn't really think of it as going anywhere.  Not that I thought about it not going anywhere, but I just didn't think about it.  Well, I didn't think about it really at all.  Zero.  On any scale.  I have been putting so much energy into keeping my head above water in my business that I didn't really pay too much attention to the attention i was receiving from the opposite sex.  Well, in some cases, the same sex, but that is a story for another time. 

I got so wrapped up in trying to not having feelings for anyone I forgot to not have feelings for anyone. 

 Silly me. 

 I'm not sure what will come of it and, at this point, I don't really care.  All I know is that this particular guy has changed my mind about the word "casual."

Approval. Acceptance. Answers.

   There are so many people in my life that inspire and delight me on a daily basis, but I never get to thank them for it.  I think of various ways to show them what they mean to me or to attempt repaying the favor, but, alas, nothing seems to convey their importance.  This great appreciation that I have for these wonderful humans overwhelms me.

Sometimes, to tears.  

  A very close friend of mine, Sharon, is in the midst of a year long journey to hammer out one mile every single day.  Whether that's walking or running, she is committed to this for 365 days!  She's just completed day #35, I believe, and I cannot express how thrilled I am to even know her.  She has even motivated others in her life to start this same challenge. A true testament to human will power.  Naturally, there are days she doesn't want to go outside in the cold, rain, snow, and ice, but does she do it? 

 YES! 

I mean, I get to call this woman my friend.  This powerful beautiful woman.  

How very lucky am I?  

   

I have another very close friend, Ben, who, unfortunately, just recently learned he has colon cancer.  Now, if you've ever met this guy or even ever been in the vicinity of him your life would be better.  

There is no doubt.  

He lights up a room with his ability and ease to talk to anyone and everyone and really, truly, relate to them.  It doesn't matter where you come from or who you are.  He, with even just a look, knows you.  Really knows you.  I think the beauty in all of this is that he wants to know you.  It is never forced.

  

Always genuine. 

 Always important.

   

Ten years ago, this past January, I had a life altering surgery of my very own.  I was terrified and felt alone and confused and even kind of acted like a bitch.  "why me?" etc.  and before my surgery, I feel comfortable in saying, I was not a very nice person.  

I was not kind. 

 I was not unselfish. 

 I was not grateful.

  I was not...me.  

I had spent the vast majority of my life searching for something that didn't exist.

  

Approval.  Acceptance.  Answers. 

 To look back now and realize it was right in front of me the whole time.  

Me. 

 It was me. 

 I was the answer.  I sought approval, not from my parents or my peers, but from myself.  I sought acceptance on my own accord and on my own terms.  And, in the end, I was the answer.  

Only I.

   The loves in my life now help to remind me of this.  Remind me how amazing it all is.  I look at them and I feel inspired.  

I feel...everything.  

If I weren't the person I am today then these people would not be in my life.  That alone is proof.  It's all the proof that I need. 

 If you surround yourself with positive forces then you too will be a positive force.  

I, of course, have bad days.  We all do.  I definitely still cry from time to time.  I definitely still want things I cannot have.  I certainly am not perfect and/or preaching.  

Tonight, I wrote my dear friends name on my arm in permanent marker and went to the gym.  

and tonight, I am simply saying, thank you.

Dear friends, tonight, I thank you.

   
   

Shit is weird as fuck

I've been a nanny for the last 10 years and a lot of 

children's programming is, well, just pretty horrendous.

  The sound of Barney's voice alone actually makes the hair on the back of my neck

 stand at attention.
Cringe worthy.
It's almost worse that I can tell a new voice actor was hired.
sounds like Barney. 
kind of.
I shouldn't know that.

The show, Yo Gabba Gabba, makes my life way easier.

Even though, when I turn it off to go do other things like

play outside or anything other than watching TV, 

kids lose their fucking minds over it.

It's actually, most likely, a platform to sneakily program sleeper agents.

but

right now.

The Flaming Lips. 

I mean, The Flaming Lips.

Also, if you don't follow Wayne on Instagram, you are missing out.

shit is weird as fuck.

for my mother.

Hi, Mom.  

I can only apologize for what you're reading once.

consider this my official apology.

thanks for reading!

p.s. i also just donated $15 to some friends so they could get matching butt tattoos.  this is my life now.

CURRENT CRUSH RIGHT NOW @1:45PM ON A THURSDAY

okay, you guys.  

I, admittedly, have no clue what's going on in this picture.

All I'm sayin' is that I, definitely,  don't hate it.

This is about as hipster as one gets without wearing a damn bolo tie to be ironic.  Still, pretty damn sexy if you ask me.  Le sigh.

  

50 Shades of Hey!

At 1:33AM on January 21st I ordered 50 different colors of nail polish on Amazon after, of course, having had a few too many to drink.  I don't have any memory of making the purchase, but I sure am glad I had enough sense to stop at 50.  

Do I regret making this purchase?  Not really.  I mean. just look at all those options.  I won't have to buy another shade for, at least, a year.  

So far, the best part about being single is this kind of shit.  I don't have to think about this as a lesson to be learned or how i should have spent that money on rent or bills or remembering my boyfriend's birthday or whatever the case may be.  I have never made a habit out of spending money on myself or buying myself presents.  

This was different. 

 I was simply able to shop on Amazon after one in the morning just...because.  

Just. 

Because.

  

and you know what, God damnit, I deserve it!  

and when my ex moved out and we had to divvy up our things did i want the bed?  

No.

Did I want to sleep on the floor for the next 5 months?

Well, no, but...

I never wanted to see that bed again.  I just wanted to be done.

Yesterday, while at work, it hit me.  Smack in the face.

I got up, drove to Macy's and bought myself, my first ever on my own purchase of this magnitude, my very own queen size bed.

QUEEN SIZE!

The bed is, ironically, to be delivered on Valentine's Day and I know that, for me, that is the day I will get some of the best sleep I've ever had in my life.

So, today, I celebrate.  

and today I celebrate by wearing the color "flip flop"