fourever31

There was a time in my life when I was selfish, angry, unhappy, and just an all around unpleasant person. Drugs, alcohol and late nights didn’t help much either.

I dropped in and out of college several times and in the summer of 2002 I broke up with my first love, long term high school sweetheart turned emotionally abusive relationship and felt a great weight lift off of me.

All of this went down on my 21^st birthday in the middle of having just cracked a whip-it. For those that don’t know what a whip-it is, it’s basically, hippie crack. Nitrous oxide is huffed out of a balloon causing about a million brain cells to die at once and distorts your senses of sight and hearing.

Once he stormed out of the house, all of his belongings stuffed deep into one single duffle bag, I sat in my room and watched the sun come up. Half wondering if he’d be okay, half wondering if I’d be okay.

The months that followed were difficult, but I really started to re-evaluate who I was and what it is I wanted from this life. I knew that it was unrealistic for me to “never love again” so I made an appointment with Planned Parenthood just to make sure I was healthy to get back out there. I wanted to go into my next relationship free of worry, because even though I knew I was STD free, I wanted a piece of paper that told me that.

I walked in and saw a familiar face and very good friend of mine who worked in the office and I immediately felt a sense of relief. What could possibly go wrong? I was doing the right thing. Wasn’t I?

This routine exam became anything but.

After getting third and fourth opinions I finally had an ultrasound done and what they found was life changing.

I had a grapefruit sized tumor that had attached itself to the outer uterine wall and had also successfully swallowed my right ovary.

They went on and on telling me how lucky I was that they found it when they did, because of its size. If it had ruptured, which it seemed close to doing, I would have a small chance of recovery/survival.

I didn’t feel very lucky.

They weren’t able to tell if the tumor was cancerous or not due to its size, but they knew it had to come out.

I went back and forth to the Cleveland Clinic a few times over the course of a couple months to talk to a radiologist and had to have several viles of blood and fluids drawn.

Then, the time for surgery had come.

The surgical doctor told me beforehand that she’d try to save my ovary, but when it came down to it she just was not able to.

When I came out of surgery, I didn’t have that feeling of “why me?” Instead, it felt like a toxic piece of my personality had been removed. I came back from surgery with a foot long scar on my abdomen and a new found sense of contentment, gratefulness, and hope.

The next few years weren’t easy by any means, but in all of this I had learned to ask for help when I needed it. It’s okay to be imperfect. To fall down. Failure only comes in the refusal to get back up.

I volunteered at the James Cancer Hospital, got involved in the local music community, and started to put out the fires on the bridges I had a keen sense for burning.

My best friend told me once during all of this, “no matter what you say or do, as long as it is absolutely honest, it will always be the right thing to say or do.”

I began to live my life that way.

Honestly.

I told my story to others. I tried to let go of the shame held within the walls of eating disorders, drug abuse, and black out drinking.

I turned to diet and exercise.

Riding my bicycle for five years straight through every season only solidified my appreciation for the great privilege of driving an automobile. It was really the first time I was able to look at it that way. As a privilege and not a right.

I rode my first century bike ride on a little Schwinn traveler I picked up from a garage sale for $15 in the Summer of 2009. Everything about that should’ve ended in a flat tire or being unable to finish, but I did it. I finished it. On a bike that probably shouldn’t have made it.

I started to think about taking up running. Having had asthma for most of my life I was skeptical. So, a half mile at a time. Built up over a few months. Then, eating habits started to change. I had been a vegetarian for years, but an unhealthy one.

I wanted to do it right.

Next thing I know I’m signing up for a half marathon.

What was I thinking?

In May of 2012 I ran and finished my very first half marathon and from then until October of 2012 I had run and completed seven of them!

I continue now to put positive energy into everything I do even if that just means trying new things. Things that scare me, intimidate me, or put me on the spot.

So, in March of 2013 I took my very first Yoga class at Thank Yoga. I was pretty scared to try this new thing, this scary arm balancey, bendy peaceful thing and I ended up loving it.

I think that as long as you try the things you’re scared of then you can never truly fail.

Here’s to all of you, to all of us, and to this new exciting scary awesome adventure that I’m on with the Actual Brewing Company.

Let’s all just raise a glass.

and

Give Thanks.