well, there go my pants

One time while my mom was preparing for surgery i told her that the anesthesiologist was notorious for trying on the patient's pants while they were under.

i told her of all the wonderful adventures her pants would go on while she was asleep and that when she woke up from surgery her pants would be placed, just as she had laid them, neatly under the hospital bed.

On this particular day, her pants played 9 holes of golf.

(this entry was from an older blog and a few years old, but ran across it today and got a good laugh.)

Whip-It Good.

There was a time in my life when I was selfish, angry, unhappy, and just an all around unpleasant person.  Drugs, alcohol and late nights didn’t help much either.

I dropped in and out of college several times and in the summer of 2002 I broke up with my first love, long term high school sweetheart turned emotionally abusive relationship and felt a great weight lift off of me. 

All of this went down on my 21^st birthday in the middle of having just cracked a whip-it.  For those that don’t know what a whip-it is, it’s basically, hippie crack.  Nitrous oxide is huffed out of a balloon causing about a million brain cells to die at once and distorts your senses of sight and hearing. 

Once he stormed out of the house, all of his belongings stuffed deep into one single duffle bag, I sat in my room and watched the sun come up.  Half wondering if he’d be okay, half wondering if I’d be okay.

The months that followed were difficult, but I really started to re-evaluate who I was and what it is I wanted from this life.  I knew that it was unrealistic for me to “never love again” so I made an appointment with Planned Parenthood just to make sure I was healthy to get back out there.  I wanted to go into my next relationship free of worry, because even though I knew I was STD free, I wanted a piece of paper that told me that.

I walked in and saw a familiar face and very good friend of mine who worked in the office and I immediately felt a sense of relief.  What could possibly go wrong?  I was doing the right thing. Wasn’t I?

This routine exam became anything but.

After getting third and fourth opinions I finally had an ultrasound done and what they found was life changing.

I had a grapefruit sized tumor that had attached itself to the outer uterine wall and had also successfully swallowed my right ovary. 

They went on and on telling me how lucky I was that they found it when they did, because of its size.  If it had ruptured, which it seemed close to doing, I would have a small chance of recovery/survival. 

I didn’t feel very lucky.

They weren’t able to tell if the tumor was cancerous or not due to its size, but they knew it had to come out.

I went back and forth to the Cleveland Clinic a few times over the course of a couple months to talk to a radiologist and had to have several viles of blood and fluids drawn.

Then, the time for surgery had come.

The surgical doctor told me beforehand that she’d try to save my ovary, but when it came down to it she just was not able to.

When I came out of surgery, I didn’t have that feeling of “why me?”  Instead, it felt like a toxic piece of my personality had been removed.  I came back from surgery with a foot long scar on my abdomen and a new found sense of contentment, gratefulness, and hope.

The next few years weren’t easy by any means, but in all of this I had learned to ask for help when I needed it.  It’s okay to be imperfect. To fall down.  Failure only comes in the refusal to get back up.

I volunteered at the James Cancer Hospital, got involved in the local music community, and started to put out the fires on the bridges I had a keen sense for burning.

My best friend told me once during all of this, “no matter what you say or do, as long as it is absolutely honest, it will always be the right thing to say or do.”

I began to live my life that way.

Honestly.

I told my story to others. I tried to let go of the shame held within the walls of eating disorders, drug abuse, and black out drinking.

I turned to diet and exercise.

Riding my bicycle for five years straight through every season only solidified my appreciation for the great privilege of driving an automobile.  It was really the first time I was able to look at it that way. As a privilege and not a right. 

I rode my first century bike ride on a little Schwinn traveler I picked up from a garage sale for $15 in the Summer of 2009.  Everything about that should’ve ended in a flat tire or being unable to finish, but I did it.  I finished it. On a bike that probably shouldn’t have made it.

I started to think about taking up running.  Having had asthma for most of my life I was skeptical. So, a half mile at a time. Built up over a few months. Then, eating habits started to change. I had been a vegetarian for years, but an unhealthy one. 

I wanted to do it right.

Next thing I know I’m signing up for a half marathon.  

What was I thinking?

In May of 2012 I ran and finished my very first half marathon and from then until October of 2012 I had run and completed seven of them!

I continue now to put positive energy into everything I do even if that just means trying new things. Things that scare me, intimidate me, or put me on the spot.

So, in March of 2013 I took my very first Yoga class at Thank Yoga.  I was pretty scared to try this new thing, this scary arm balancey, bendy peaceful thing and I ended up loving it. 

I think that as long as you try the things you’re scared of then you can never truly fail.

Here’s to all of you, to all of us, and to this new exciting scary awesome adventure that I’m on with the Actual Brewing Company.  

Let’s all just raise a glass.

and

Give Thanks.

Toasted and Roasted: Coffee and Yoga event at Thank Yoga Studio
Yogi Josie and myself.

just dance.

photos courtesy of the Ely Brothers

i love weddings...truly.

<3

Everything about this....

I've recently started following a blog called Humans of New York, but it feels more like a movement than anything else......
yes
yes
yes
to everything about this...

I’m going home to see my mother.”

“Oh, is it her birthday?”
“Nope. I just love my mother, and she loves flowers.”

Humans of New York

Sidecar Sally

I really have no desire to own or operate a motorcycle, but as I get older I realize that the sense of adventure one feels doesn't need to fade just because we're more aware of life's finality.  In fact, it should be for that very reason we do the things that scare us, intimidate us, or that are just plain foreign to us.

for me, the motorcycle i'll entertain for the moment is one with a sidecar...

on second thought.

I'll start with a scooter.

because it feels good.

just because it feels good.

BFFs 4 EVA

yeah, so i had to make this upon learning that John Lithgow and Tommy Lee Jones were room mates in college.

Downward what?

The first time I ever attempt to do Yoga is, well, today. 

in about 45 minutes to be more specific.  

I'm really nervous and am even feeling like it's the first day of school or something. Like my parents moved to a different town in the midst of my senior year and now i have to make all new friends in a brand new place.

I don't know what else to write, other than, I suppose I'll recant my story after that downward. 

dog. 

yeah, okay, downward dog.

what a name.


News Flash:
I fucking love yoga.

true story.

First one to work. 6am

Oh, Spring. You fickle bastard.

I forgot how much I really enjoyed being outdoors and taking in fresh air.  

With weather as inconsistent as it has been it has been pretty challenging to take advantage of the nicer days.

so, i consider myself lucky to have had two extremely pleasant weekends.

Both weekends involved good company, great food, record stores, and hiking through the woods with a happy as hell pup.

About a month ago I got back into training for half marathons, but had to take a week or so off from pounding the pavement due to pain in my left knee.

the hiking has really helped in the staying active category and breathing air like that does things to a brain.  

happy brain.

I can't wait to see what we do next weekend.

I guess that's pretty dependent on this winter storm were about to get tonight.

Oh, spring, you fickle bastard.

This Sunday afternoon/evening is brought to you by Slade and Savage Wolverine.

PAY THE FUCK ATTENTION

   Well, it's Wednesday and there are plenty of things I should be doing for work and plenty of things to be done around the house, but instead i'm here.  

I'm here and I'm procrastinating.  

I guess I could think of worse things to be doing in the early evening hours midweek. but. I could also be running on that treadmill that's just off to the corner of my eye as I sit down to write this out, but I think I'll save that for the closed captioning when re-watching Alias on Netflix later tonight.

   As the weeks wear on into my newest relationship i find myself confused by how quickly things are progressing and, at the same time, standing still.  I'm not saying I want to get married tomorrow or anything like that, but I am saying that I want it to mean something. at least, I think that's what I mean.  That's the best part about this and any relationship really.  you get a statute on the length of time you spend in uncertainty.  I haven't quite determined what the cap is though.  Maybe I should do that before I try to go further.  

After going through 2 very serious relationships in the last 8 years I can say that I know what it is that I do not want even if I can't say that I know for sure what I, definitively, want from a man.  The more obvious things go without say.  Most women want what I want or don't want rather.  I don't think humans want to actively pursue misery.  Though, I definitely know some people that make that their life's work. 

Some doors have permanently closed for me but that's just a part of living.  Nothing can stay open forever and in the pursuit of happiness it's easy to become blind to those closest.  so, as an active reminder to myself...

pay attention. 

pay the fuck attention, Jen, you just might be staring it in the face.

CURRENT CRUSH @9:27AM ON A MONDAY

So, last night everyone was blowing up Facebook and news feeds across America because of the Oscars.  I did not do such a thing, because I did not watch them.  

Do I regret it?  

Not really.

I do, however, miss seeing Daniel Day Lewis.  

Not the current DDL Edition, but the Mohican Edition.

Daniel Day Lewis does American Indian.

um. hello.  thank you very much.

I WILL FIND YOU.

Daniel Day Mohican

TOO SOON? a short up-to-date

I know I haven't written in about a week, but so much has been going on in my personal and professional life.  In the realm of personal, I kind of let some things get away from me and found myself breaking up with someone I wasn't even dating.  We were old friends that sort of sometimes liked to kiss each other, but I didn't really see how far the other party was diving emotionally into this, what i thought, casual thing.  

that guy will not be the guy of which i speak of.

Three weeks ago I met someone at that dating auction previously mentioned in the blog and I didn't really think of it as going anywhere.  Not that I thought about it not going anywhere, but I just didn't think about it.  Well, I didn't think about it really at all.  Zero.  On any scale.  I have been putting so much energy into keeping my head above water in my business that I didn't really pay too much attention to the attention i was receiving from the opposite sex.  Well, in some cases, the same sex, but that is a story for another time. 

I got so wrapped up in trying to not having feelings for anyone I forgot to not have feelings for anyone. 

 Silly me. 

 I'm not sure what will come of it and, at this point, I don't really care.  All I know is that this particular guy has changed my mind about the word "casual."

Approval. Acceptance. Answers.

   There are so many people in my life that inspire and delight me on a daily basis, but I never get to thank them for it.  I think of various ways to show them what they mean to me or to attempt repaying the favor, but, alas, nothing seems to convey their importance.  This great appreciation that I have for these wonderful humans overwhelms me.

Sometimes, to tears.  

  A very close friend of mine, Sharon, is in the midst of a year long journey to hammer out one mile every single day.  Whether that's walking or running, she is committed to this for 365 days!  She's just completed day #35, I believe, and I cannot express how thrilled I am to even know her.  She has even motivated others in her life to start this same challenge. A true testament to human will power.  Naturally, there are days she doesn't want to go outside in the cold, rain, snow, and ice, but does she do it? 

 YES! 

I mean, I get to call this woman my friend.  This powerful beautiful woman.  

How very lucky am I?  

   

I have another very close friend, Ben, who, unfortunately, just recently learned he has colon cancer.  Now, if you've ever met this guy or even ever been in the vicinity of him your life would be better.  

There is no doubt.  

He lights up a room with his ability and ease to talk to anyone and everyone and really, truly, relate to them.  It doesn't matter where you come from or who you are.  He, with even just a look, knows you.  Really knows you.  I think the beauty in all of this is that he wants to know you.  It is never forced.

  

Always genuine. 

 Always important.

   

Ten years ago, this past January, I had a life altering surgery of my very own.  I was terrified and felt alone and confused and even kind of acted like a bitch.  "why me?" etc.  and before my surgery, I feel comfortable in saying, I was not a very nice person.  

I was not kind. 

 I was not unselfish. 

 I was not grateful.

  I was not...me.  

I had spent the vast majority of my life searching for something that didn't exist.

  

Approval.  Acceptance.  Answers. 

 To look back now and realize it was right in front of me the whole time.  

Me. 

 It was me. 

 I was the answer.  I sought approval, not from my parents or my peers, but from myself.  I sought acceptance on my own accord and on my own terms.  And, in the end, I was the answer.  

Only I.

   The loves in my life now help to remind me of this.  Remind me how amazing it all is.  I look at them and I feel inspired.  

I feel...everything.  

If I weren't the person I am today then these people would not be in my life.  That alone is proof.  It's all the proof that I need. 

 If you surround yourself with positive forces then you too will be a positive force.  

I, of course, have bad days.  We all do.  I definitely still cry from time to time.  I definitely still want things I cannot have.  I certainly am not perfect and/or preaching.  

Tonight, I wrote my dear friends name on my arm in permanent marker and went to the gym.  

and tonight, I am simply saying, thank you.

Dear friends, tonight, I thank you.

   
   

Shit is weird as fuck

I've been a nanny for the last 10 years and a lot of 

children's programming is, well, just pretty horrendous.

  The sound of Barney's voice alone actually makes the hair on the back of my neck

 stand at attention.
Cringe worthy.
It's almost worse that I can tell a new voice actor was hired.
sounds like Barney. 
kind of.
I shouldn't know that.

The show, Yo Gabba Gabba, makes my life way easier.

Even though, when I turn it off to go do other things like

play outside or anything other than watching TV, 

kids lose their fucking minds over it.

It's actually, most likely, a platform to sneakily program sleeper agents.

but

right now.

The Flaming Lips. 

I mean, The Flaming Lips.

Also, if you don't follow Wayne on Instagram, you are missing out.

shit is weird as fuck.

for my mother.

Hi, Mom.  

I can only apologize for what you're reading once.

consider this my official apology.

thanks for reading!

p.s. i also just donated $15 to some friends so they could get matching butt tattoos.  this is my life now.

CURRENT CRUSH RIGHT NOW @1:45PM ON A THURSDAY

okay, you guys.  

I, admittedly, have no clue what's going on in this picture.

All I'm sayin' is that I, definitely,  don't hate it.

This is about as hipster as one gets without wearing a damn bolo tie to be ironic.  Still, pretty damn sexy if you ask me.  Le sigh.

  

50 Shades of Hey!

At 1:33AM on January 21st I ordered 50 different colors of nail polish on Amazon after, of course, having had a few too many to drink.  I don't have any memory of making the purchase, but I sure am glad I had enough sense to stop at 50.  

Do I regret making this purchase?  Not really.  I mean. just look at all those options.  I won't have to buy another shade for, at least, a year.  

So far, the best part about being single is this kind of shit.  I don't have to think about this as a lesson to be learned or how i should have spent that money on rent or bills or remembering my boyfriend's birthday or whatever the case may be.  I have never made a habit out of spending money on myself or buying myself presents.  

This was different. 

 I was simply able to shop on Amazon after one in the morning just...because.  

Just. 

Because.

  

and you know what, God damnit, I deserve it!  

and when my ex moved out and we had to divvy up our things did i want the bed?  

No.

Did I want to sleep on the floor for the next 5 months?

Well, no, but...

I never wanted to see that bed again.  I just wanted to be done.

Yesterday, while at work, it hit me.  Smack in the face.

I got up, drove to Macy's and bought myself, my first ever on my own purchase of this magnitude, my very own queen size bed.

QUEEN SIZE!

The bed is, ironically, to be delivered on Valentine's Day and I know that, for me, that is the day I will get some of the best sleep I've ever had in my life.

So, today, I celebrate.  

and today I celebrate by wearing the color "flip flop"

Party on Wayne. Party. On.

A little over a week ago I was on an auction block being wagged in front of the masses to help raise funds for some friends here in town.  A date with me went for top dollar.  That's right.  Top fucking dollar.  This is, of course, a boost to the ole self esteem, but the guy who "bought" me never really followed through and we have not been on said date nor do i think said date will occur.  I should be happy about that and, while i am, I am still a bit like "what the hell, dude?"  Well, his loss I guess because I did end up meeting someone else there whom i got to having some great conversations with after, of course, starting off with some truly awkward conversations due to the immense stress i was under being within view of my most recent ex boyfriend.  


PHEW! 
 That's a run-on sentence if I ever made one!  I'm also a little proud of it. hehe



I have been in the business recently of stepping outside my comfort zone, because I have found that it can be pretty rewarding at times.  That is certainly how I ended up deciding to leave my previous position as coffee shop manager for Starbucks and open up my own business.  All of the energy and things I have been doing have all been leaps of faith.  I am not a religious person at all so I should, at the very least, have faith in myself and the things us wonderful humans are capable of accomplishing.  Because, damn!  We are super sweet, you guys!That being said, the guy I met is not my type at all.  He is, and I'll use his own words here, a "Hesh bag" or,  basically, a metalhead.  I had to figure it out.  I had to figure out why talking to this person just came so naturally and why i was so comfortable telling him within the first 3 minutes of meeting him that my end game was to fall in love with a lumber jack. 


 um...what. the. hell, me? 
yes, i did that.
  No mystery there.  

We talked on the phone for several days while he was out of town on business and as I got to know him a little more I realized that our phone conversations were stretching into the 90minute+ mark.  Crazy!  I don't remember the last time I had a conversation on the telephone that lasted more than an hour, especially with a guy I just met a few days prior.  He's interesting and a damn scientist.  seriously. for his job he is a fucking scientist.  I mean, that's pretty damn sexy right there.  bonus points for science.  also, puppies.  let's be honest, if a woman sees a man with a puppy it greatly increases the likelihood of that woman fantasizing about that man later in the day.  I'd like to say that's true of all women, but maybe it's just this woman and those are statistics i can feel good about.

The very first date he asked me on was to go get acupuncture.

wait...what?!  

ACUPUNCTURE?!?!?!

 Um, no, dude.  I'm not going to have a conversation with you with fucking needles sticking out of my forehead.  I mean, that's some kind of intimacy right off the bat that I'm not comfortable with.  I don't even like to go to the bathroom with someone else in the house let alone being that sort of vulnerable in front of a near stranger.  Although, it does make for a great story as is evidence by this blog entry. 


obviously.
  
Luckily, with him being out of town all week we were able to come up with other plans for the date.  you know, plans that don't involve a bed of needles.  So, dinner and a hockey game.  I usually don't commit to much more than a drink or two on a first date these days, because it gives you the ease of being able to walk away without upsetting anyone, but this time i made an exception.  I thought that since we had been talking all week long and I felt fairly comfortable being in his company for a few hours, why not?  sure.  dinner and a hockey game it is.  He picked me up for dinner and I could quickly tell that he was just as nervous as I was which just made things far more relaxed going forward.  dinner was at a restaurant that was almost too fancy for my taste.  I'm, more often than not, a girl of simple pleasures.  I have an extreme weakness for french fries and i love condiments more than the array of foods they go on, but here we were looking over a menu written in french and listening to their various wine offerings. 
Chardonnay for me.  

Always Chardonnay.  

the dryer the better. 

 I love red wine too, but it always make me slutty.  It was best to stick with white knowing this anecdote about me, at least, on our first romantic encounter.

As we sat there, I look around the room and realize that I know a ton of people in the restaurant.  Our server was, pretty much, the only person I didn't know that worked in the establishment.  By the end of the night about 5 different people, bar and kitchen staff alike, had sat down in our booth to chat with me.  I thought that this was going to be a moment where he became disenchanted with me, but it had the opposite effect on him.  

He loved it.

  He was almost enamored by the fact that I spoke with everyone so candidly and the tension between us now was at an absolute minimum.  Both he and I were able to talk so easily and comfortably.  

Onward, to the hockey game.

The Columbus Blue Jackets won!  Seriously?!  What the fuck, blue jackets!  I mean, good for you guys and yay and stuff, but you never win.  This had to be a good sign, right?  

While walking to his car we were torn now between calling it a night or continuing on.  We decided we were going to have a drink on the way home at a new little spot in town and then call it.but then again.  there we were.  easy as hell to talk to and having a nice time.  the spot was cozy and low lit and made for a somewhat romantic atmosphere, so...  We hit up a show that was happening a bit closer to my house.  This is, possibly, where we may have overstayed the date a bit.The show was fine and we both ran into some people we knew and that was all good, but then arm in arm we stood at one point and both of us had had a bit to drink and i could just tell he wasn't going to but wanted to so i just did.  


yes. 
 i. kissed. him.  
i kissed him.  
at bourbon street?  
ick. yes. i did.  


not the best venue for that kind of thing, but whatever.  I'm a grown ass woman and I make my own ass choices!  I made that one and it was...good.  the kiss was good even though i should have waited to not be at bourbon street anymore.  i mean, come on. that's a bit tacky.he took me home and i didn't realize until we were parked in front of my house that it was 230am!  wow.  that's the longest first date i think I've ever been on.  


To know that there are people out there.  Millions of people out there.  Even though my odds decrease, naturally, with age the odds are still pretty damn good.  I mean, those fucking odds are really still in my favor.  I never was an angry feminist man hater and i don't really plan on ever being an angry feminist man hater.  It is certainly nice going out with someone that can remind you that humans aren't inherently bad people, but are inherently kind people.

Will we go out again? 

maybe

Am I sweatin' it?

not a chance


So, For now...

Party on Wayne.  Party.  On.