I was 18 years old when I lost my virginity and it was only 4 years later that I was asking for it back. Sadly, he no longer had it.
I know there were kids in high school and even middle school who were having sex, but i was certainly not one of them. I had obviously taken sex education, but still the subject matter seemed to baffle me. I never really understood fully that penis enters vagina and then sperm mixes with egg and then baby 9 months later. It’s not that I was an idiot or anything of the sort, at least, not scholastically but when it came to the language of love-making I was at a loss for sure.
My next door neighbor had lost her virginity in the tenth grade but didn’t tell me about it for fear that I would make a bigger deal out of it than it actually was. I don’t know how she got that impression other than when she got her period for the first time I asked her a million questions a week for 6 months on the subject. I may have also told her that I knew Joey from NKOTB on a personal level when she and I were 8 years old. This was a nicely fabricated lie that lastly the better part of a year. I’m sure I learned a lesson in there somewhere about not lying to people etc, but i continued to lie my way into and out of everything well into my college career.
The first time I saw someone my age with a pregnant belly was in eleventh grade and I still didn’t quite get the “how” of it. I mean, boy meets girl, girl likes boy, boy sticks penis in vagina? Where did that level of intimacy play a part in the teenage lifestyle? I for one knew that I was not mature enough to handle it since the first and only time I had seen a penis it scared the shit out of me and had quickly sworn off penis-to-hand touching entirely thereafter.
For a while I told everyone I was waiting for marriage, which was half-true. I hadn’t planned it out fully, but if I said something along those lines people were more apt to let me be. It also served as a jumping off point for an ongoing bet junior and senior year of high school. The bet was simple…whoever could get me to have sex with them after prom won. this was just an attempt at seeing my boobs though since i had developed quite early on in life. So, yes, marriage it was…definitely waiting.
As time went on it became more and more difficult to hold on to that waiting for marriage bit. I started losing faith in Catholicism toward the end of my senior year of high school which made waiting for intercourse even harder to convey to the opposite sex. If I had faith on my side then no one would question it. They would just as well assume i was some nice christian girl who didn’t want to “give it up” yet. Then, Jake had to ask me to prom.
I had had a crush on Jake since the 9th grade (along with everyone else) but had given up on it long beforehand due to us having such a fantastic friendship through school. It’s true, I know, but Jake asked me to go only as a safe bet. He knew there would be no pressure from my end and he hadn’t planned on anything from his end.
Prom came and went and Jake couldn’t have been more of a gentleman. He didn’t make a single move which I should’ve been pleased about, but…he didn’t make a single move?! what the fuck was wrong with me? the following day I realized i had left some things in the pocket of his suit jacket and stopped over his house to pick them up. I, of course, left them there on purpose. This opportunity bled into he and i hanging out the rest of the day, then the next, and the next after that, then the next. Finally Jake and I were a team, a couple, together. It made so much sense, so I quickly had to change my point of view on sexual interaction. I wanted to fuck his brains out!
It was August of 1999 just after visiting the Rock N Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland, Ohio when Jake and I finally had sex for the first time. I wasn’t his first, but this moment for me was life altering. So, life altering in fact that it took place in a cheap hotel in the middle of the day only to feel like shit a mere moment later when it was over. Wasn’t this supposed to change my life? I guess in some way it did, since I used that as leverage for the remainder of our tenure together.
The day that Jake walked out on me it was my 21st birthday. The last thing I remember saying to him after his plea to try one more time is this, “do you still have my virginity? because i would like it back.” Sadly, it was long gone.
(originally written on April 12, 2010)
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