I was 15 the first time I ever saw a penis and even now the memory of this moment is foggy. Um…so, what am I supposed to do with that? I wasn’t sure, so I ended up watching TV while I jacked him off. MASH was on and I for one hate MASH.
I met Shawn during Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory which was being performed at the Erie Playhouse. I had auditioned with my best friend, Allison, and we both were cast, however, she had received a much nicer role. I totally get it. It even made sense then. Allison was prettier, so things came to her much more easily, but I knew I was funnier than she so I relied upon that for most of my scholastic career.
Shawn was older and had a lead role in the play. All of the girls thought he was cute even though he had braces. I didn’t really see much of anything in him at first until I noticed him noticing me. Me?! No, it couldn’t be me. That’s crazy. I was standing next to Allison, so he must have been looking at her.
One day after rehearsal he asked me to stick around for a bit, which I thought to be strange, but when he offered me a ride home I didn’t want to refuse. I mean, he was older, he had a license and a car! I was totally in. I mean, my friends would have been so jealous and besides my end result was just to get Shawn to ask me to PROM. I was a freshman at the time and freshman weren’t given a pass to PROM unless asked by an upper classman. I guess, while I wasn’t interested in Shawn, I was interested in what I could get out of it. I still at this point wasn’t even sure if he was interested in me. But, I was going to take advantage where there was advantage to be taken. Thus, starting a long career of manipulating the men in my life.
They started shutting the lights off throughout the theater as everyone cleared out and Shawn and I followed each other around in the dark. a game of Marco/polo commenced as we made our way through the costumes and props laid out about the stage. then, there he was…right in front of me….eyes closed, lips pursed…closing in…and then….nothing. I was too nervous and moved away. I played “hard-to-get” for the remainder of our time at the theater and finally Shawn just took me home because he was so annoyed.
weeks passed and still nothing happened until one weekend when Shawn’s parents went out of town. this was the time. he had to come pick me up since I still did not have a license, but we made our way back to his house in no time. I was naive as to what he had in mind. the notion of seeing a penis hadn’t even crossed my mind. the word penis hadn’t even crossed my mind. but that’s all he was thinking about.
once at his house, the TV goes on and there it is…MASH. I had never liked MASH, but he seemed to love it, so not a word was said from my direction. just stomached it as best I could and then as I’m watching the TV I hear a zipper come down and the next thing I knew some slithery silken thing was in my hand. I didn’t even look at it while he coerced my hand to move by thrusting his pelvis forward and back away from my clenched fingers. obviously, my first experience. he had to have been aware. I was such an amateur. Completely terrified to look he even asked “are you just going to watch Television?” and the only thing I could think to say was, “yup.” My indifference didn’t even matter to him. He was getting what he wanted whether I was an active participant or not. He didn’t exactly rape my hand, but it was certainly a violation of some sort. and then….then….a thick gooey mess jumped onto my hand and ran down my fingers. what the fuck? that’s when I looked….my first penis. so…that’s a penis?
sick.
he didn’t even ask me to PROM.
(Originally written on April 9, 2010)
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